though this is a very personal post, it will be posted as a public because i'm pointing out the idiocies of this world. open your fucking eyes people.. that's all i can say. open your fucking eyes to the problems of the world. look at the children and families in south africa/uganda.. look at the rainforests being destroyed. look at the beauty of the world being destroyed as well.. look at the poor being taken advantage of. and where the fuck are we? in our comfortable houses being wasteful and spoiled and fucking still complaining. this world makes me sick. fucking sick


lately, i've found myself at a point that i've faced before and sometimes have overcome.. but i've never been able to on my own, which is what i have to do now.. and i feel that it's somehow worse than it ever has been.. what "it" is i don't know. i feel like i'm far behind and falling further. i feel as though i'll never catch up. i feel lost in a world that is set up for people to climb this ladder that i want no part of. a ladder that goes school, college, career, achievement, death. it all seems so pointless.. when i have nothing that interests me, this all seems so terribly set up. i don't feel that this is the way i was meant to go. i can't help but be an idealist. if i subscribed to the 9-5 job and the system that has you working only to prepare for the next step and then the next, with no outcome except tired eyes and a weary soul, well, i wouldn't survive. i'm not the kind of person who can take pride in themselves and their work when .. it really doesn't mean anything. i want to change things. i want to help people. who needs a fucking degree that qualifies them over someone else to help someone. i'm not looking for capital or to rise up ranks. i want to surround myself in misery and try to change it. i want to absorb all that pain from the people who don't deserve it and take it on myself because God knows, i've done enough to warrant their pain and suffering.. i don't appreciate MY life.. i want others to be happy but i don't want any part of it. i may as well take all the pain away from others and bear it myself.. make the faithful happy - the people who have to brave the storms, the pain, the suffering, the killing, the disease every day of their lives.. they don't deserve it. Those people are usually the most positive people in the world. they are happy to be given anything. it makes me sick that i live in an immoral, materialistic, capitalistic society and i'm just being encouraged to join.
it's fucking vile.
the world is fucking hopeless and it doesn't give a shit.. how is it that people like me - people who SEE the problems and want to help sufferers are the ones that are shunned and end up failures and suicides and hopeless.. i'm sure that's where i'm headed. because the world wasn't created for people like me.. it doesn't matter to me though if i'm happy.. i just wish the people who deserved happiness could get it..

the most fantastic day/band ever. i got to the show last night and go to the merch table like eh.. idk maybe the band will be there.. so i go to their merch guy and said "will the band be coming up" and he goes.. well.. geoff is right there.. i whirl around to.. GEOFF and start babbling and blah.. though i did manage to tell him how inspiring his songs were.. i could've said so much moreee. but he asked my name and gave me a nice hug :-) and thanked me. i was like.. no thank youuu. and i gave him short shorts to give to tucker (which he didn't wear... but i'll get on with that) so the band comes out after circle takes the square then portugal the man. they were both pretty good.. i high-fived steve when he was setting up. tucker came out not wearing my shorts :-( .. but again, later lol.. and they played and it was the MOST FANTASTIC SHOW OF MY LIFE. they played songs i haven't heard in concert, it was a smalllllll venue so it was a veryyyyyyyyy personal crowd.. we were literally in front of the drum kit by the end of the second song.. so yeah, no guards, etc. pure stage.. which i pretty much sat on and stood on.. seriously it was intenseee. geoff crowd surfed over my head.. he was really connecting with the crowd too it was sick.. shit went down haha. he let ppl sing with him, grabbed arms, hugged, etc etc. it was amazing. between a set i called him over and asked about the shorts ahahaha and he laughed and was like "Yah! he asked me what she did to them haha" and i was like nothingg!" cause i'm cool.. bleh. so yeah. another exclusive little chat with him..
SETLIST: (which i jacked.)
workforce
rupture
dead songs
otherside
understanding
signals
at this velocity
division street
autobiography
jet black
this song has been brought to you (this one deserves the full title written out because it was so intense/raw and i NEVER expected it.)
cross out the eyes
ladies and gentlemen...
love song
so it was definately the best night of my life. i had so much fun. afterward i was on the balcony upstairs and tucker came out. i yelled "TUCKER, THE SHORTS?" haha and he said sorry.. & i went downstairs and he explained what happened hahaha. he said geoff gave them to him too late and he'd wear them. we had a back-and-forth. it was amazing. i love them and respect them even more than i did before this show.. holy shit.

friends only journal. feel free to comment/add.
HOWEVER. if you do: tell me 3 random facts about your life. funfun

the mirror says, "just look at the shape that you're in, i offer you no forgiveness, not even in dreams" and the mirror says, "it's far too late to make amends, you've got nowhere left to run." when the mirror breaks, i know which side you're on: you sleep through the night, everything is alright and your teeth are all white and your face fits the type. everything you say is true. nothing's real. i know which side you're on. Am I on the same side?
- quote from thursday's new cd